Rangers tattoos, Kris Boyd’s dogs and more in the Alternative Scottish Football Awards

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Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to the third annual Old Firm Facts Alternative Scottish Football Awards.

Apologies to those who had their drinks confiscated during the interlude. Unfortunately there was a rugby dinner in the main function suite and security noticed they were running low.

We hope you at least enjoyed your serving of Ray McKinnon’s delicious humble pie.

And now, back to the awards.

MOST PARTICK THISTLE CONVERSATION




TIGHTEST MARKING

Police Scotland on Paul McGowan

MOST POISONED CHALICE

The Scotland job

BEST PROTEST

Kev Cownie v Csaba László

Honourable mention:

Rangers v House of Fraser

THE COOLIO AWARD FOR MOST UNLIKELY SCOTTISH FOOTBALL CAMEO

The First Lady of the Republic of Liberia at Rugby Park




BEST CELEBRITY LOOKALIKE

Alan Power/Conor McGregor

Honourable mentions:

Tommy Wright/Derek Zoolander

Steve Clarke/Pat Butcher

Championship medal/League Two medal




Hibs employee/Mike Ehrmantraut

Scott Bain/Paul Dock

BOLDEST NEW LOOK

Brian Kerr

BEST NEW GRIME ACT

Charles ‘I do my talking on the pitch it’s quite obscene/They still want to show me on Sportscene’ Dunne

BEST RESPONSE

St Mirren

Honourable mentions:

Hibs




Fraser Clarke



Steve B




@ChatAdult69




STAUNCHEST SIGNING

Kyle Lafferty

BEST PLAN FOR LIFE AFTER FOOTBALL

Jackson Longridge




MOST AGGRESSIVE MONTH

February

WORST MICROPHONE TECHNIQUE

Steven Thompson

LEAST EFFECTIVE BRUTALISING OF A MOB

Celtic at Tynecastle




BEST CELEBRATION

Kris Boyd v Aberdeen

CELTIC DA OF THE YEAR

Superscoreboard caller Chris from Stevenston



Honourable mentions:

Neil Lennon

This guy

THE LINE OF DUTY AWARD FOR OUTSTANDING BRAVERY IN THE FACE OF WRETCHED CRIMINALITY

South Ayrshire Police

 

Honourable mentions:

PC Lustig

 

THE TERRY MUNRO AWARD FOR BEST TATTOO

Kyle Lafferty

PLAYER MOST LIKELY TO SAY ‘ACTUALLY IF YOU LISTEN TO THE LYRICS 2PAC’S NOT DEAD NOW GET BACK ON THOSE PHONES AND SELL SOME CAR INSURANCE TO VULNERABLE CUSTOMERS SO I CAN GET MY BONUS AND SPEND IT AT KING OF BLING UNDER THE BRIDGE AT CENTRAL STATION’

Ryan Kent




THE GAME OF THRONES SEASON EIGHT AWARD FOR MOST CONTROVERSIAL ENDING

Neil Lennon at Hibs

THE ‘WHAT’S THE GOALIE DAEIN?’ AWARD FOR STRANGEST ADDITION TO THE SCOTTISH FOOTBALL LEXICON

“Have you ever seen bendy water?”

Honourable mentions:

“Acting in the best interests of Association Football”

BEST FAN DISPLAY

Rangers for “Supot Runkh”

MOST PRESSING QUESTION

BBC Sportsound

Honourable mention:

Willie Miller

THE CHRIS IWELUMO AWARD FOR BIGGEST MISS

Josh Windass

BEST NEW TWITTER ACCOUNT

Fitbatweets

MOST SELF-DEPRECATING PERSONALITY

Gary Mackay-Steven

Honourable mention:

Craig Levein



SUAVEST FAN

Staunch Pour Homme

THE TYNECASTLE AWARD FOR BIGGEST GRASS

Clévid Dikamona



Honourable mention:

Tynecastle




MOST PAINFUL SHOT

Faissal El Bakhtaoui

BEST NARRATION OF A DOING

Livingston




THE TINPOT AWARD FOR MOST ‘MY NAN COULD WIN THE SCOTTISH LEAGUE’ COMMENTS

Burnley fans v Aberdeen

THE CONCOMITANT AWARD FOR WORD OF THE YEAR

‘Biomechanics’

Michael Stewart on Motherwell defender Carl McHugh: “If you know anything about the biomechanics of the body, you know that his arms come up…when you slide in the arms come up.”

Referee observer Kenny Clark: “I don’t claim to have any knowledge of biomechanics.”

BIGGEST COMEDOWN

Beloved World Cup pundit Ally McCoist coming home to analyse Partick Thistle

TASTIEST FALKIRK-BASED SCHADENFREUDE

Morton fans finding out Ray McKinnon’s Falkirk had been relegated

Honourable mention:

Steven Mill

BEST JLB CREDIT SCOTTISH CHAMPIONSHIP ACTION

LEAST POPULAR DUNDEE MANAGER OF THE SEASON

Neil McCann

Honourable mention:

Jim McIntyre

THE ‘COPY FELLOW BEAR’ AWARD FOR BEST RANGERS SUPPORTERS’ PLAN

“Stop filming bears”

MOMENT THAT BEST SUMS UP DUNDEE’S SEASON

This

Honourable mentions:

This

And this




THE SCOTT BROWN AWARD FOR DISGUISING INCONSISTENT PERFORMANCES BY SMIRKING AT OPPONENTS

Scott Brown

 

THE RUGBY PUGBY AWARD FOR BEST TYPO

Kilmarnock

Honourable mentions:

Dunfermline

Brian Paton

Ayr United Media

Hibs




Partick Thistle




And now, ladies and gentlemen, the big one. The moment you’ve all been waiting for…

BEST CONOR SAMMON PHOTO




Congratulations to all our nominees. You’re all winners, with the exception of anyone connected to Dundee Football Club.

Have a safe journey home, and please leave in an orderly fashion in the best interests of Association Football.

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